Are you and your partner considering opening your relationship? Media exposure and more relaxed modern attitudes about sex have raised the profile of open relationships, where a couple agrees to let one or both partners seek sex or romance outside the relationship. When you’re new to this kind of agreement, it can be hard to negotiate the new boundaries of your relationship. You’ll have to decide what kinds of outside connections are okay and what kinds aren’t, and you have to do it without guidelines outside of your feelings and your partner’s feelings.

Open relationships can be completely open, or only open to limited activity. Here’s some guidelines for negotiating boundaries with your partner, and some ideas to help you build a framework that you can use to keep your relationship happy, close and open for many years to come.

Brainstorm Before You Talk

Most people are going to have an emotional reaction to the idea of their partner having sex with someone else. It’s natural. Even people who’ve been in polyamorous relationships for years can have trouble with jealousy – so, if you’re still working out the ground rules for opening a previously monogamous relationship, you should expect there to be some negative feelings about it on both sides.

So, there are good and bad feelings involved in this conversation, and the stakes are high. Don’t go into it without a game plan. Get things started on a productive note by suggesting beforehand that both of you, on your own, make lists with the following categories: must have, would like, wouldn’t like, must not have.

Your must-have category should include the things that you really want – things that you’d rather not open the relationship at all than give up. Would-likes are just what they sound like: things that you would enjoy but can compromise on. Would-not-likes are things you’d prefer did not happen, and must-not-haves are things that you’d rather not open the relationship at all than allow.

There’s no real minimum or maximum number you should aim for in any of those categories. Go with what you feel.

Go Into the Conversation Sober

We’re not just talking sober in the sense of not under the influence. Don’t start the conversation when you’re arguing and don’t mix it in with sex (if it turns you on, go wild – but don’t make serious decisions about your boundaries when anyone has their pants off.) These are emotional decisions at their core. It’s about what makes you feel good and what makes you feel bad… and so anything that predisposes you to feel more or less good in general is going to affect where you want to draw the lines.

Start Conservative, Then Get Flexible

Remember, it’s normal to have some negative feelings about the idea of your partner doing sexual things with someone else. The best way to conquer those feelings is with good experiences, and the fastest way to reinforce them is with bad ones. Make sure your experiences start out good by not trying to do too much, too quickly.

In other words, when you’re just starting to open your relationships, set your boundaries at a place where you know you’re both comfortable. Don’t feel like you have to agree to anything you’re unsure about or upset by right away. Once you have a little experience with the reality of an open relationship, you’ll be more comfortable pushing the boundaries out – and you’ll know with more confidence which boundaries you don’t want to push.

Think About Rules

Most guides on polyamory and open relationships will tell you you need to set rules to make an open relationship work, but that’s not necessarily true. Setting rules has its good side and its bad side. On the good side, thinking about rules forces you to think about and discuss boundaries. Those must-not-haves and must-haves translate easily into rules about what you and your partner are allowed to do with other people.

On the bad side, if your list of rules is too long and complex, you’re going to set yourselves up for failure. Breaking rules in an open relationship carries the same emotional weight that cheating does in a monogamous one, and it’s a good idea to make sure that you only set absolute rules if it’s a subject you really feel that strongly about.

How can you express boundaries without making rules? Try phrases like “I’d prefer” and “It makes me feel…” when you’re talking about your boundaries. Clear communication is the lifeblood of open relationships. That doesn’t just mean being honest about things you think of as dealbreakers: it also means talking about preferences and comfort levels.

Think about your list. The must-haves and must-not-haves are candidates for becoming rules. Your other categories are things that will help you and your partner come to an agreement that you’re both comfortable with. As you gain experience, don’t be afraid to modify all four lists, and re-open the conversation with your partner about what is and is not on the table if you find you’ve changed your mind.

Flexibility, honesty and good communication will make sure that you enjoy your relationship – and your affairs – for many years to come.

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