The tradition of marriage has never been as “traditional” as moralists like to pretend. Even in the notoriously uptight Victorian era, most marriages involved one or both spouses pursuing affairs with others… and today is no different.

There’s one big difference between Victorian era sexual morality and the modern day, though. Thanks to more publicity and looser cultural expectations, today, if you want to open up your long-term relationship or marriage, it’s much easier to talk about it with your spouse. Despite this, bringing up the subject of an open relationship for the first time can still be fraught with difficulty. Here are some things you should consider when you’re looking for a way to start the conversation.

Test the Waters

Think about bringing the subject up with your partner in a more casual way in advance to get them thinking about the idea. Movies about polyamorous relationships or menages a trois are one way to start testing the waters and laying the groundwork for a conversation. Be honest about your interest, especially if your partner asks directly if you’re interested in that kind of an arrangement, but stay casual. Your responses should be more along the lines of “Yeah, I think it sounds fun” than “Yes, and I have decided I want it. We should talk.”

Keeping the stakes low and the pressure off, while introducing the idea, will give your partner time to get used to the idea and see its positive, enticing sides without immediately adding in all of the tension and stress that can come along with tying the idea directly to your relationship.

Don’t Be One-Sided

Yes, there are some relationships where one partner is free to pursue lovers outside the relationship and one partner is not. But when you’re first bringing the idea up with your partner, don’t get cute and don’t get complicated. Unless you specifically want a different arrangement, both of you should be equally free, following the same sets of rules in your outside pursuits.

Because you’re the one who’s thinking about this the most right now, it’s on you to help your partner discuss their needs and their interests. If they’re not suggesting any or can’t seem to vocalize any of their needs, ask questions, and be persistent. Expressing how much you care about their comfort and their feelings will help to lay their fears to rest.

Talk About Your Relationship

When you’re talking about the possibilities and the promise that you see in the idea of opening your relationship, it’s easy to forget to talk about how much you like what you have now. Your partner, though, is going to be worrying about how this affects what you have now. They might wonder if opening your relationship means that you’re not getting what you want, or if you don’t enjoy sex with them.

Be reassuring. Explain your motivations for wanting an open relationship, and explain why you value them and why you value your relationship with them. After all, you do, right? If you don’t, then what you might really be looking for is not an open relationship but a breakup. Since it’s the open relationship you want, be honest – mix talking about what you want with plenty of flattery and reassurance about the fact that you also enjoy what you have. It’ll make it much easier for your partner to avoid feeling threatened.

Avoid Ultimatums

Ultimatums, especially of the form “if you don’t agree to this thing, I’ll break up with you,” are never a good thing to bring into any relationship discussion. They pressure your partner to say yes to things that they aren’t comfortable with or to escalate the conversation to breakup level. Yes, sometimes there are things that are so important to you that you will break up if you can’t get them, and an open relationship may be one of those things… but even if it is, you should keep the stakes lower in your first discussion. Pressuring your partner to agree to an open relationship without giving them the space to think seriously about it is going, inevitably, to cause serious problems in your relationship.

Whether this is a dealbreaker for you or not, just express it to your partner as something that you really want. If they can’t accept it, then you can make the more difficult decisions about breaking up or trying to negotiate. If they can – and they’ll be more open to genuine acceptance if you aren’t putting levels of pressure on them that they feel are unfair – then you’re home free.

Avoid surprising your partner, show how much you care about their feelings and your relationship, and don’t be too pushy, and you’ll have a good shot at establishing an open relationship without blowing up the relationship you have!

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